The worst jokes, some even about science

Rene Descartes goes into a bar, and the bartender asks:
"Would you like a beer"? to which Descartes answers
"No, I don't think so"....and vanishes

A Frenchman, a Brit, and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, "they must be French, they're naked and they're eating fruit."
The Englishman says, "clearly, they're English; observe how politely the man is offering the woman the fruit."
The Russian notes, "they are Russian, of course. They have nothing to wear, nothing to eat, they think they are in paradise."

This physicist is walking through a forest when he comes upon a frog standing in the path.
He stops, and the frog says "Pssst".
Curious, the physicist picks up the frog who says "I'm a beautiful princess.
Kiss me and I'll become a princess again and make you rich".
The physicist puts the frog in his lab coat pocket and continues his walk.
A few minutes later he feels the frog squirming, picks it up, and it says
"Maybe you didn't understand. I'm a rich and beautiful princess,
so if you kiss me I'll turn back into a princess and I'll not only make you rich,
I'll have sex with you".
The physicists puts the frog back in his lab coat pocket and continues his walk.
A few minutes later, again, the frog squirms, the physicists picks it up, and the frog says
"ok, I'll not only have sex with you, I promise it will be the best sex ever,
and I'll get some other princess friends of mine to join, and we can have an orgy.
Then I'll make you rich, and then I'll marry you!!!".
The physicist starts to put the frog back again when she says
"What the hell is the matter with you?".
The physicist says "nothing, but I'm a physicist,
and I have a lot of experiments to do and things to think about,
and I don't have time for sex or orgies with beautiful princesses".
She then says "then why do you keep putting me back into your pocket?"
and he replies "oh, well a talking frog, that's pretty interesting!".

A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years
at a University in San Francisco, requested a meeting with the Provost for an explanation.
At the meeting, the Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs
of the University have shifted during the past six years leading up to your tenure decision.
In fact, what we now require is a female, condensed-matter experimentalist.
Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy theorist!"
Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said, "I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mentioned, but
... I'll never agree to become an experimentalist!"

This duck goes into a drugstore and asks for a condom.
The druggest asks the little fellow if he wanted it on his bill.
The duck replies: "What kind of a duck do you think I am anyway?"

A group of Polish peasants had plotted to flee the country to the glorious West.
(This was before the fall of the USSR)
Their plan involved hijacking an airliner and flying it out.
All went well, and they were gathered in the cockpit of the Jumbo plane,
but then they ran into a snag, being unable to figure out the controls.
The people at the back of the cockpit started querying what was the problem,
and the guys trying to figure out the controls said, "Please, comrades, be patient. We're just some simple Poles in a complex plane."

Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?
Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, rinse, repeat."

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra.
A: Elephant zebra sin theta.

Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender, a proton, pours him a beer.
The neutron says "how much" and the proton says "for you, no charge".
The neutron is thrilled, and says "are you sure"?
The proton says "yes, I'm positive"

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live.
He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo.
The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?"
"No," replies the doctor, "but it will make six months seem like a very long time."

The Princeton math department cheer:

	e to the x dx,
	e to the y dy,
	sine x, cosine x,
	natural log of y,
	derivative on the left
	derivative on the right
	integrate, integrate,
	fight! fight! fight!

The CALTECH cheer:

	e to the x dx dy
	radical transcendental pi
	secant cosine tangent sine
	it's saturday nite so mate mate mate!
The MIT cheer:
	e to the u, du/dx
	e to the x dx
	cosine, secant, tangent, sine,
	integral, radical, u dv,
	slipstick, slide rule, MIT!

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